A Journal for Lucy: 2013

Saturday, November 9, 2013

Dear Lucy, Emi, and Rosie,

Tonight I watched The Croods with Grandma and Grandpa Ellingson, and Uncle Seth and Uncle Kyle. The father of the Crood family, Grug, sees his world change and soon finds that he is unable to protect his family as he used to. Times change faster than he can adapt to, and he struggles to realize that someone else might be better at taking care of his family than he can. At a critical point in the story, however, he comes to understand that while there are some things he still doesn’t know and perhaps never will fully comprehend, there are some things that he can truly rely on--in his case, his strength.

Maybe your Poppa is the same way. I doubt myself a lot. I often think that someone else could do a lot of the things that I do much better. My follies and bad habits are painfully obvious to me, and I know there are other things that ought to be embarrassing to me but aren’t yet but will be in the near future. And despite all this, there are a few things that I do know.

I know that Jesus Christ is my Lord and Master. He knows me. He loves me, faults and weaknesses and strengths and Little Ray of Sunshine. He loves me enough to die for me. He loves me enough to live for me. That is true love, my girls: to love someone so well as to know them fully and still embrace them. I know that His priesthood and His church have been re-established on the earth. I know that living prophets and apostles guide us. I know that Christ will come again to reign in power and glory on the earth. I know that I am weak, and I know that He is mighty to save. This is my testimony, that He lives! I know these things. This is my strength.

My girls, your Poppa doesn’t know everything, and sometimes he doesn’t know much of anything. But there are some things that I know well. I hope you can come to know and love the truths that I know and love. They have brought me happiness and comfort and peace and safety.

I love you.

With all my hugs,

Poppa

Thursday, October 31, 2013

Dearest Lucy,

I just wanted to let you know that I have thought about you a lot these past weeks since Rosie’s birth. I thought about you when Rosie “came out” (as Emiko puts it). Feeling her tiny slippery body leave my body, felt very much like when you “came out”. As I sat in the hospital bed hours after Rosie’s birth, reflecting on that feeling at the moment of her birth, I felt grief that I never had the chance to hold you in my arms the way I was holding little Rosie in my arms at that moment.

I thought about you again when we had the incident with the insulation coming into the house through an unnoticed hole behind the oven, leaving a layer of lint all over the kitchen and office/nursery. Because of my hormones and anxiety levels I couldn’t cope with the mess and had to sit outside with Rosie and Emiko while Poppa cleaned up the mess. I saw two doves sitting on the telephone lines in the alley and they reminded me of a time five years ago when I saw two doves sitting on the telephone lines as I sat outside on the porch at Elba (in Costa Mesa, CA). At that particular moment I was overcome with feelings of grief and loss. It had been only a short time since you had left us and felt particularly sad at that moment. I remembered that moment and felt that same deep feeling of grief as I sat in the chair outside our house in Yuma unable to cope with a mess in our house.

Oh, how we miss you, little one.

-Momma

Saturday, October 5, 2013

Dear Lucy-Girl,

I was outside putting the cover over the tomatoes and when I looked up at the stars, I thought of you. I was wondering where you were and what you were doing. I was hoping you are keeping close tabs on us and watching over us. I miss you, Lucy-Girl.

Thinking of you,

Poppa

Monday, September 9, 2013

Dear Lucy-Girl,

I just want you to know that your Poppa thinks about you often. I haven’t forgotten my little girl. This year was particularly hard for me because we weren’t sure when Rosie would come. I wondered if she would fall on Emiko’s birthday or yours. I know you guys wouldn’t mind sharing. I wish I had gotten to know you.

Five years ago today was the saddest day of my life. I never knew pain or sorrow or loss or grief until we lost you. I miss you so much, Lucy-Girl. I sometimes think what it would be like to have my little five-year old. How different things would be! You’d be in kindergarten this year. You would be in the CTR class at church. You would be my big helper with Emiko. You would be helping Momma around the house so she could get ready for Rosie. You would greet me when I came home from work and run laughing and smiling into your Poppa’s arms.

Oh, Lucy. Will you keep an eye out for us? For all of us? Come and be with us. We always want you in our lives and in our home. Help our little family in whatever ways you can. Keep working the good work on your side of the veil. Part of being in this family is our commitment to the Savior and our willingness to sacrifice everything for His sake. Do good and make us proud. And when we finally meet, you can show us all that you’ve been up to. And maybe, if Poppa is good, I hope someday we will be privileged to raise you in the Millennium.

Love to my sweetest, brightest Lucy-Girl,

Poppa

Dear Lucy,

It is so hard to believe that it’s been five years since we lost you. You were with us for such a short time. As I was praying to Heavenly Father this evening, I was reminded of how much you have helped me (and still do) to learn and grow and become a better person. There are lessons I learned from carrying you for those short 21 weeks and the painful weeks that followed our loss.

Today is your special day. We remembered you during our Family Home Evening tonight, like we do every Monday night during FHE, by sitting on your special blanket. The one I made for you, but never got the chance to wrap you up in. Or to hold you in.

I miss you sweet baby. I often wonder how different our lives would be if we had a 4 ½, almost 5 year old with us in our little family. I’m sure you would have been a wonderful big sister for Emiko.

I don’t really understand exactly where you are or when/how exactly I will see you again, but I trust in Heavenly Father that everything will work out perfectly for you and for us according to His time and His will.

I love you, my little girl. Thank you for being a part of my life, even though you seem so far away.

All my love,

Your Momma