My Sweet Lucy Angel,

Today is your special day! This has been your special day for 16 years! How has the time gone by so fast? Yet it feels like only a short time ago.

Did you know today was also President Russell M. Nelson's 100th birthday.

I've been thinking about you a lot lately. I watch Emiko trying her very best to be the oldest big sister. She turned 13 on Friday. How much she would have loved to have a big 16 year old sister who she could share Webtoons with and who could give her advise about surviving middle school and navigating the world of boys. I'm glad she has Mika. Mika would have loved the attention I'm sure you would have given her, especially during this tender time with the loss of her mom.

A few weeks ago, my friend Arlene Roberts lost her 18 year old granddaughter suddenly to a tragic accident. That night as I was looking at my own precious children sleeping, I wondered how hard it would be to lose one of them suddenly. Then I was reminded that I do know what it's like to lose a child suddenly. In that moment I re-lived the details of that painful day, the most painful day of my life, when we suddenly and unexpectedly lost you, our sweet Lucy. 

It is heart-wrenching to lose a child. 

This morning I was in a lot of pain. So much pain. I was praying to God, telling Him how hard this is, to hurt all of the time and to feel like I'm working so hard, but my progress is so small and so slow. I prayed for the ability to endure, to be patient, to not give up. I prayed for peace. 

With my head bowed, I suddenly felt that familiar, heavenly, peaceful calm wrap around me. I instantly imagined being surrounded by a big group hug from so many who have passed on already. I then imagined each one individually giving my a big hug, without words, but with empathy and understanding: Melissa, of course; Ben's mom Susan; Ben's grandpa Hall Lew; my grandparents Mary Rhodes, Gloria Ellingson, Wayne Ellingson; my aunt Diane Smith; and YOU, my sweet Lucy. The floodgates opened and I let the tears of pain and anguish flow freely. 

Then I was blessed with the ability to go to sleep and find a few minutes of relief from my pain.

The Lord always sends me the comfort and help I need when it seems like it is all too much to bear. Today He sent me you. I don't actually know if you were there, or anyone else I imagined. But just imagining that it was so, made it feel so real and brought me great comfort. 

I love you and miss you dreadfully. 

Say hi to Melissa. Tell her that I'm trying to do my best to love and care for her children. Tell her I miss her so much. 

All my love,

Momma

21 June 2022 Today Momma is in surgery

Dear Lucy,

Today Momma is in surgery. I prayed before we left the hotel this morning that you or Popo would be there to hold her hand after I had to go. I think about you often and wonder how you are doing. 

We are having so much fun playing RPGs right now. I wonder if you would be helping me GM games and perhaps even writing your own APs. Thank you for looking out for us and supporting us. We love you and miss you and think of you always. 

With love,

Your Poppa

30 Sept 2021 Hi from Pop

Dearest Little One, 

I was writing in my own journal about a series of unlikely and unplanned events that have resulted in very good-strange outcomes when I came across your journal. I am glad that I landed here. Oh, Little One! I have a picture on my phone of your sisters sitting on the concrete border of Veterans Memorial Park. They are smiling and beaming with sisterly love. Someday, I hope to have all four of you together, lined up and smiling at me. 

Sweet Lucy, I hope these words find you across whatever expanse separates us now. If not these words, then surely the pure expressions of love I feel in my heart for you--these must surely reach you and confirm to you that you are not forgotten. We miss you and hope that you will be patient as you wait for us. 

With all my love, 

Poppa

16 September 2021

 I was just writing in the other kids journals and wanted to say...

I love you.

I miss you.

-Momma

13 Feb 2021 Rainbow Dance Party

Lucy,

We had a really fun day today! It was cold and snowy outside. We had a fire going in the stove. Emiko, Rosie and Poppa played their RPG of the shadow beast. The kids all munched on their Valentine candy from school all day. Then tonight, we had a RAINBOW DANCE PARTY! We had a rainbow snack and the kids all dressed up in their favorite dance outfits and danced the night away. It was a really beautiful night full of happiness and love. I wondered at one point tonight if you were near by. We sure do miss you. I think both Emiko and Rosie could really use the help of their big Sis. It's been a hard year for everyone, but I think it's been especially hard on those two. Just wanted you to know I love you and think about you often and miss you terribly.

-Momma 

18 Sept 2020

I realized this week that your special day passed last week (Sept. 9th - 12th Anniversary) and I had forgotten all about it. I felt sad about that. I guess it's been pretty crazy around here lately. COVID-19 has really turned things upside down on our heads this year. Plus, my health has not been good. I'm hoping to find out soon if I will be able to have a surgery to help me feel a little better. Wouldn't that be great?

Wow, twelve years! I wonder what it would be like to have a 12 year old in our family right now. I bet you'd be super helpful and responsible. Oh, I bet you'd have been such a big help with David...and Mai Li...and Rosie...and Emiko...

They all love you.

I love you...

And miss you...

-Momma

29 April, 2020 We didn't have a grave for you...

Lucy,

We didn't have a grave for you...

This is your cousin Abigail. It was her birthday yesterday. She would have been 11 years old, just like you. Something wasn't quite right with her body when she was born. It was very sad for her Momma and Poppa to say goodbye to her so soon.

Now she has four siblings. Claire was adopted. Since then her momma (Katie) has had two more girls and recently a boy (who looks just like his dad Chris). They are happy kids. I'm sure they miss their big Sis Abigail, just like your siblings miss you.

Abigail's family had a picnic at her grave yesterday to celebrate her birthday.

I got a little teary looking at this photo. We didn't get to have a grave for you. If we did it would have said, "Lucy Shizuko Inouye September 9, 2008."

I have not forgotten you baby. I miss you terribly. Emiko reminds me frequently that things would have been different if you had been here and if she had had a big sis.

I love you my sweet little Lucy. Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you. Hope you and your cousin Abigail are happy in heaven together.

Love,
Your Momma

9 June 2019 Just a quiet Sunday evening

Dear Sweet Lucy,

It's another quiet evening and I am up by myself. Momma is asleep in bed with David and Mai Li. Emiko and Rose are downstairs in their room. I'm sure we would have all three of you big girls in one room. Those little girls would be so happy to have a big sister.

I have always loved fantasy books. The idea of entering other worlds or traveling through time--the idea of the great "what ifs" has always appealed to me.

When I think about you, I have many "what ifs" that come to mind. What if you had lived? Would we still have moved to Yuma? Would we have stayed? Would we have bought houses and rented houses? Would we have been called into the Branch Presidency? Your short, short life and your sad, sad death have shaped our lives beyond our comprehension to understand.

I was just reading some of the entries that Momma wrote in here. I know that you know how lucky you are to have such a nice mom. We both mean it when we say that your death was the saddest day of our lives. Never before and never after have we felt days so devoid of sunshine. We miss you. We miss you so much.

I hope you get to read this journal (somehow!).

We love you and are trying to be good so we can be together again.

With all my love,

Poppa

4 Sept 2018

Dear Sweet Lucy,

We've been talking about you lately. It's almost your special day and the girls and I noticed that your special day is sandwiched right between Emiko's and Rosie's birthdays. They thought that was really special.

The other day I was changing baby Mai Li's diaper in the bassinet. I felt someone bump into me and I turned around immediately to see who it was because I thought all of the other kids were playing outside. There was no one there who I could see, but I was sure I had felt someone touch my right back side just above my hip. I wondered if that was you. I wondered if, just like the girls always say, if maybe you needed some Momma time. Do you feel that same pull that each of your siblings have to be close to me, to spend time with me, to have my undivided attention. I wish I could give that to you. I hope you don't feel forgotten and neglected. It is hard to remember what is not before our eyes. Your siblings demand my attention constantly, but we only have little reminders of you now and then. Like when we see your special day on the calendar (Sept 9th), or when we pull out the FHE blanket which is your blanket, or when the girls talk about you or ask about you.

Oh, how I miss you.

Oh, how I love you, my little Lucy.

-Momma

13 March 2018 Just missing you

Dear Lucy Girl,

Today we were in the car going to ride bikes at the church house. We put a car seat in for Baby Mai Li. Emiko got so excited. She said, If Lucy were still here, we would have the whole car full!

I miss you, sweet friend. I will try my very hardest to be better so we can be together.

With all my love,

Poppa

4 March 2018

Dearest Lucy,

I was listening to a beautiful performance by Evie Clair of a song titled, "To Where You Are" by Josh Groban. Part way through I thought of you. I thought about how much I wish I could see your beautiful smile. To hold you in my arms. To tell you how much I miss you. I couldn't hold back the tears as I listened to this beautiful music and thought of you, my little angel baby. The day I lost was the saddest day of my life. I hope I will always remember and always be true to my covenants and promises so that we can be connected to you for eternity. I love you my dear sweet Lucy.

Who can say for certain
Maybe you're still here
I feel you all around me
Your memories so clear
Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You're still an inspiration
Can it be

That you are my
Forever love
And you are watching over me
From up above.

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for a while
To know you're there
A breath away's not far to where you are.

Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream?
And isn't faith believing
All power can't be seen

As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me
Everyday

Cause you are my
Forever love
Watching me
From up above

And I believe
That angels breathe
and that love will live on
And never leave

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for a while
To know you're there
A breath away's not far to where you are.
I know you're there
A breath away's not far to where you are

27 July 2017 Just thinking about you and missing you

Dear Lucy Girl,

I just wanted to say hi. I've been missing you.

Yesterday I was in the bottom of a hole I had dug. Literally. I was in a hole I'd dug. Funny right? And I was listening to a podcast and something the person said reminded me of you. I broke down right there in the pit. I braced my arms against the dirt and dropped my head to sob. No one heard me down where I was. But I hope that you know somehow that I was thinking of you and missing you and never ever forgetting you.

I think about how you would be loving little Davie and helping us get ready for New Baby (we hope). We were telling the girls yesterday that Bethy is pregnant and that sometimes the baby doesn't get big enough. I thought of you again and wished so much that things had been different.

I talked about you again tonight. I was driving to Wray for a tutoring appointment and thought of a family who lived in Eckley. The Turvey's lost their daughter, Allison, last March in a car accident. As I spoke with Joni Turvey, the mom, I related to her that part of my special concern for her family was my empathy as someone who also lost a daughter. I think of you that way, Lucy. Not as a miscarriage, but as my daughter who died in childbirth. I hope I'm not wrong to think that or say that.

Wherever you are, I hope you know that I think about you often and that I miss you and long for the time when we can be together. I love you. And I hope you are patient with me and my many faults. I will try harder to be a good guy.

With love,

Your Poppa

30 Jan 2017

Dearest Lucy,

I had a very bizarre dream last night. It involved strange things like million step staircases, something related to Donald Trump, Downtown Abby (Daisy was serving me pizza and reminded me of my Lucy, at which time I began to bawl and bawl in my dream.) I woke up from my dream and thought I heard Emiko's voice saying, "Momma. Momma. Momma." It was clear but spoken in a whisper. I looked around trying to find her and asked her where she was. But then I heard David crying in his room. So I got out of bed to take care of him. Both Emiko and Rosie were sound asleep in their beds. While I nursed David back to sleep, I couldn't help wonder if that clear, audible voice I heard was yours. Did you wake me up so I could take care of little David? I was VERY tired last night. Where you watching out for him? I pray every night that angels will watch over my little ones while they sleep. Are you one of those angels, watching over your sisters and brother as they sleep each night? I said a prayer to Heavenly Father asking Him to let you know how much I love you. I hope you got the message, my sweet one. Even if it was only in a dream, it was a real treasure to hear your little voice and to hear you call me Momma.

I love you and miss you dearly.

12 April 2016

Dearest Lucy,

This past Sunday we had Rylee Harmsen over at our house after church. She came to help do some food prep for the Youth Standards Fireside later that evening. Emiko and Rose had a wonderful time playing with Rylee, showing her their treasures, having her push them on the swing, picking spring flowers in the yard to make a beautiful bouquet. They were in heaven. Emiko especially.

Poppa and I both reflected on what it would have been like for Emiko to have you here with us as her big sister. She would have loved to play with you. I know you would have watched out for her and taught her so many things, like big sisters do. I wonder if you are, in fact, watching out for her. Keeping an eye on her. You are our first child, Emiko is second, Rosie third, and David fourth. I sometimes forget that we have had four children, like many of my friends do now. I think of us as only having three children, well, that is what others see. But there is also our sweet Lucy-girl who we love. Emiko never forgets to count you in our family. She always remembers you. You are her big sister. She loves you and misses you too.

Thinking about you,
Momma

Saturday, September 26, 2015

Dear Lucy,

I thought about you tonight while I was watching the General Women's Broadcast at the church. The Spirit whispered something to me and I wanted to make sure I wrote it down.

Emiko talks about you all the time. I have wondered whether or not we should say things about you when we don't really know for sure everything about you. For example, we really don't know for sure if you were even going to be a girl. I had a dream that you were a girl while I was pregnant and your cousin Isaiah named you Lucy one night before going to bed when you were in my tummy. So that is why we thought you were a girl and why we named you Lucy. After your loss I have pray with all my heart for answers to know if you are really a part of our family, if your existence in my belly was enough for you to progress on, etc. I never got a sure answer about how things will work out in the end with you. The answer I did receive was that it is okay for me to not know/understand everything right now. And I did receive the assurance that everything will work out fine and I don't need to worry about it. So back to my concern, with so much uncertainty and lack of complete understanding, do we talk about you, Lucy, to our children like you really are a part of our family? This has been a bit of a dilemma for me recently.

This is what I thought/felt/learned tonight from the Spirit. I think that we should talk about our baby Lucy who was a part of our lives for such a short time. We should tell our children what we "understand" or believe about you and how we feel about you and about all that we learned from you during your very short time with us and how your existence still affects us today and how we continue to learn from you even though you are not with us. The impression I received tonight from the Holy Ghost was that in the world our children are growing up in this may be a very beneficial/effective way to teach them that it's okay to not know everything. It is okay to live without having a complete understanding of things right now. There are things that we can be sure about and we can hold on tight to those truths. And it is okay to have certain things we don't understand completely and we can still trust in God that things will work out fine any way. It may help our children to see that we as their parents have great hope that we will see our Lucy girl again some day and for them to see our confidence and surety that our family is sealed together eternally because of the covenants we've made in the temple. But it is also important for them to know that even if what we think about how things are with our Lucy or what we think about how they will be someday are completely wrong, that we will accept God's will and trust that His plan for us is right and complete and perfect no matter what that may be. Learning about Lucy, their big sister, in this way may be a key to teaching our children to learn to exercise faith even amidst uncertainty.

Does this make sense? It made sense to me when I had these thoughts and feelings during the conference. I felt a lot of peace and assurance concerning the matter. I am so grateful for the inspiration that comes from the Holy Ghost and I'm grateful that I chose to be in a place tonight where I could feel that influence and receive that inspiration that I didn't even know I needed.

I love you Lucy. I will not be so hesitant to speak of you any more. I know that you will continue to bless our family even though you seem so far away from us right now.

Tonight Poppa and the girls were watching "Tangled" and the part at the end always makes both of us cry. The King and Queen are reunited with their long lost daughter for the first time. They realize that she is in fact their little girl and immediately they fall down to their knees in loving embraces, the mother and father surrounding their daughter in their love and hugs. Maybe someday we will be able to experience that same joyful reunion with you, our precious little one.

Thinking of you and loving you with all my heart,
Momma

9 Sept 2015 Hi from Poppa

Dear Lucy Girl,

Today was your special day. I think about you often and wish that we could get to know you properly. Someday, right?

The new school year is shaping up. I have been concerned about how mean I am to the kids in the hallways lately. I get so annoyed that they walk down the hallways and just blab on like there's no one else in the whole school. Seriously!

Your little sisters are doing well. They are growing up like little weeds--cute and happy weeds, that is. They know you only through story and imagination. And in some ways, your Momma and I know you the same way. As we imagine and hope for you, as we remember the smallest details.

Tell Popo hi for me and be patient for us. We want to see you so much, but I guess we have plenty of things to do here. Who knows? You do your best and we'll do ours. Our Heavenly Father will make sure everything works out in the end. I'm sure of it.

May God bless you, Little Lucy. My sweet, sweet friend. Be good where you are and keep an eye on us. We need you in our family always.

With all my love,

Poppa

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Dear Lucy,

Today was your day. Rosie was the one who reminded me of this a couple of times during the day by saying in her toddler terminology, "My sister Lucy died." This evening when she reminded Emiko of this, "Your sister Lucy died." Emiko responded by explaining to Rosie about how you were too small, but that even though you are in heaven you are still part of our family.

I have been thinking about you more the past few months than I normally do. I think it is because I am pregnant now, and my due date with "little brother" is only one day before your due date was. You were due January 24, 2009. Baby brother is due January 23, 2016. You two would have been almost exactly seven years apart. I compare this pregnancy a lot to yours. Not that they are very similar. In fact, they are quite different. But I think about how far along I am now and what time of year it was and remember that I was this far along with you at this point of my pregnancy at this same time of year, etc. Although, that ends today, I guess, because that is as far as my experience being pregnant with you goes. Huh.

I'll never forget what it was like to come home from the Emergency Room, to look into the mirror, my tummy somewhat deflated, and feeling a sort of emptiness, like you were gone. Not just your tiny physical body, but also your spirit. You were gone and I could not bring you back. It was such a very, very sad time for us, your Poppa and I.

It's hard sometime to think about how things might have been if you had stayed here with us, if you had been a normal little girl. (We don't even know for sure that you would have been a girl, I only had a dream shortly before we lost you that you were a girl.) Our lives certainly would be different. I can't believe it's been seven years already since we lost you. We think about you often. And your sisters remind us of you often. Emiko frequently tells me and others about her big sister Lucy and how you died and how much she misses you.

I miss you too sweet Lucy. Thank you for teaching me so much about patience and love and accepting the Lord's will and timing for us in our lives. You are always dear to my heart and I ache sometimes when I remember the short, time we had with you followed by your sudden, painful loss. I wonder if you were thinking about us today too, on your special day.

All my love,
Your Momma

Monday, April 20, 2015

Monday, April 20, 2015

Dear Lucy,

This is just a note from your Poppa to say hi. I’m sorry I haven’t written in a long time. I think about you always. I miss you. I hope you are well where you are. Someday soon, come and visit and say hi to me and Momma, okay?

With love,

Your Poppa

September 17, 2014

September 17, 2014

Sweet Lucy-Girl,

I am writing to you a little over a week after your special day. Oh, Lucy, what a day that was. I will never forget that I heard your heartbeat in that little room early in the morning. The doctor tried to tell us that you were already gone, and looking back on it, parts of me want to believe that you weren’t there. But I know what I know. And I know that we heard the heartbeat and we heard you strong. And the nurse smiled reassuringly to us to let us know that you were still there and still okay. I haven’t forgotten that. And as painful as that day was, I want you to know that I still treasure it. I treasure it because it was the last time I got to be with you.

I think about you, about how old you would be. And maybe what you would look like. I imagine you as my rock solid Lucy, my right hand to help keep Emiko in line. She would have loved to follow you. I would love it if you could still do that for her, in whatever ways you can.

Life here is wonderful and perfect. But it’s just missing you. And I’m missing you. Maybe that’s the only real difference between here and heaven: having everyone you want with you.

Say hi to your grandma for me. Be good. Keep an eye on us. And always know that I love you and that I think of you always.

With love,

Your Poppa

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Dearest Lucy,

Today is your special day. It’s been six years now. Where has the time gone?

I thought about you as school was starting up this fall. You would have gone to kindergarten this year. A lot of my friends’ kids have started kindergarten this year or last (kids who were born about the same time as you). I often think of what your life might have been like, and what our lives might have been like if you were still here with us. I usually imagine that life with you as a happy, healthy and whole little girl. But I am reminded that your body was not right. If you had made it through pregnancy, as I was prompted by the Spirit to understand at the time of our loss, your little body would not have been developed properly. You would have had so many physical and mental problems that the pain we would have felt to see you suffer in this life in that broken body would have been much more painful for us to bear than it was for us to lose you during my pregnancy. In that regard, I suppose you probably would not have gone to kindergarten, not the way other kids do anyway. You would not have experienced school the way other kids do. You would have been different. You would have needed a lot of extra help. It’s hard to know what life might have been like with you either whole or broken. Either way, I often feel that you are not too far away and that you see us and know what we are doing, even if we can’t see you and know what you are doing. Maybe you are able to help and watch over your little sisters now where you are in a way that you never would have been able to do if you had stayed here with us in a broken body. We miss you and think about you often. We feel you are part of our family even though we don’t understand exactly how things will all work out in the end.

Tonight as Emiko was laying in bed trying to go to sleep, she wanted to know, when you come to us, if you will be able to do “tricks”. Then she demonstrated such a trick by lifting one leg into the air while balancing on her two hands and other foot on the bed. Emiko likes doing tricks these days. It was interesting to hear her speak about you tonight like a sister and friend who could have played with her and done “tricks” with her. I often think of Emiko as our “first”, but she is not. You are our first child and you prepared me to be a better mother for Emiko just as Emiko has prepared me to be a better mother for Rosie, who in turn is probably preparing me to be a better mother for other children waiting to join our family.

Poppa had to go to bed, but he wanted me to let you know how much he loves you. He thinks about you often and misses you so very much. He cries sometimes because of how much he misses you.

I miss you too. I hope you are happy and well. I hope you know how much we love you. We love you so much. So, so very much.

-Momma (and Poppa)