Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Dear Lucy,

Today was your day. Rosie was the one who reminded me of this a couple of times during the day by saying in her toddler terminology, "My sister Lucy died." This evening when she reminded Emiko of this, "Your sister Lucy died." Emiko responded by explaining to Rosie about how you were too small, but that even though you are in heaven you are still part of our family.

I have been thinking about you more the past few months than I normally do. I think it is because I am pregnant now, and my due date with "little brother" is only one day before your due date was. You were due January 24, 2009. Baby brother is due January 23, 2016. You two would have been almost exactly seven years apart. I compare this pregnancy a lot to yours. Not that they are very similar. In fact, they are quite different. But I think about how far along I am now and what time of year it was and remember that I was this far along with you at this point of my pregnancy at this same time of year, etc. Although, that ends today, I guess, because that is as far as my experience being pregnant with you goes. Huh.

I'll never forget what it was like to come home from the Emergency Room, to look into the mirror, my tummy somewhat deflated, and feeling a sort of emptiness, like you were gone. Not just your tiny physical body, but also your spirit. You were gone and I could not bring you back. It was such a very, very sad time for us, your Poppa and I.

It's hard sometime to think about how things might have been if you had stayed here with us, if you had been a normal little girl. (We don't even know for sure that you would have been a girl, I only had a dream shortly before we lost you that you were a girl.) Our lives certainly would be different. I can't believe it's been seven years already since we lost you. We think about you often. And your sisters remind us of you often. Emiko frequently tells me and others about her big sister Lucy and how you died and how much she misses you.

I miss you too sweet Lucy. Thank you for teaching me so much about patience and love and accepting the Lord's will and timing for us in our lives. You are always dear to my heart and I ache sometimes when I remember the short, time we had with you followed by your sudden, painful loss. I wonder if you were thinking about us today too, on your special day.

All my love,
Your Momma