My Sweet Lucy Angel,

Today is your special day! This has been your special day for 16 years! How has the time gone by so fast? Yet it feels like only a short time ago.

Did you know today was also President Russell M. Nelson's 100th birthday.

I've been thinking about you a lot lately. I watch Emiko trying her very best to be the oldest big sister. She turned 13 on Friday. How much she would have loved to have a big 16 year old sister who she could share Webtoons with and who could give her advise about surviving middle school and navigating the world of boys. I'm glad she has Mika. Mika would have loved the attention I'm sure you would have given her, especially during this tender time with the loss of her mom.

A few weeks ago, my friend Arlene Roberts lost her 18 year old granddaughter suddenly to a tragic accident. That night as I was looking at my own precious children sleeping, I wondered how hard it would be to lose one of them suddenly. Then I was reminded that I do know what it's like to lose a child suddenly. In that moment I re-lived the details of that painful day, the most painful day of my life, when we suddenly and unexpectedly lost you, our sweet Lucy. 

It is heart-wrenching to lose a child. 

This morning I was in a lot of pain. So much pain. I was praying to God, telling Him how hard this is, to hurt all of the time and to feel like I'm working so hard, but my progress is so small and so slow. I prayed for the ability to endure, to be patient, to not give up. I prayed for peace. 

With my head bowed, I suddenly felt that familiar, heavenly, peaceful calm wrap around me. I instantly imagined being surrounded by a big group hug from so many who have passed on already. I then imagined each one individually giving my a big hug, without words, but with empathy and understanding: Melissa, of course; Ben's mom Susan; Ben's grandpa Hall Lew; my grandparents Mary Rhodes, Gloria Ellingson, Wayne Ellingson; my aunt Diane Smith; and YOU, my sweet Lucy. The floodgates opened and I let the tears of pain and anguish flow freely. 

Then I was blessed with the ability to go to sleep and find a few minutes of relief from my pain.

The Lord always sends me the comfort and help I need when it seems like it is all too much to bear. Today He sent me you. I don't actually know if you were there, or anyone else I imagined. But just imagining that it was so, made it feel so real and brought me great comfort. 

I love you and miss you dreadfully. 

Say hi to Melissa. Tell her that I'm trying to do my best to love and care for her children. Tell her I miss her so much. 

All my love,

Momma