29 April, 2020 We didn't have a grave for you...

Lucy,

We didn't have a grave for you...

This is your cousin Abigail. It was her birthday yesterday. She would have been 11 years old, just like you. Something wasn't quite right with her body when she was born. It was very sad for her Momma and Poppa to say goodbye to her so soon.

Now she has four siblings. Claire was adopted. Since then her momma (Katie) has had two more girls and recently a boy (who looks just like his dad Chris). They are happy kids. I'm sure they miss their big Sis Abigail, just like your siblings miss you.

Abigail's family had a picnic at her grave yesterday to celebrate her birthday.

I got a little teary looking at this photo. We didn't get to have a grave for you. If we did it would have said, "Lucy Shizuko Inouye September 9, 2008."

I have not forgotten you baby. I miss you terribly. Emiko reminds me frequently that things would have been different if you had been here and if she had had a big sis.

I love you my sweet little Lucy. Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you. Hope you and your cousin Abigail are happy in heaven together.

Love,
Your Momma

9 June 2019 Just a quiet Sunday evening

Dear Sweet Lucy,

It's another quiet evening and I am up by myself. Momma is asleep in bed with David and Mai Li. Emiko and Rose are downstairs in their room. I'm sure we would have all three of you big girls in one room. Those little girls would be so happy to have a big sister.

I have always loved fantasy books. The idea of entering other worlds or traveling through time--the idea of the great "what ifs" has always appealed to me.

When I think about you, I have many "what ifs" that come to mind. What if you had lived? Would we still have moved to Yuma? Would we have stayed? Would we have bought houses and rented houses? Would we have been called into the Branch Presidency? Your short, short life and your sad, sad death have shaped our lives beyond our comprehension to understand.

I was just reading some of the entries that Momma wrote in here. I know that you know how lucky you are to have such a nice mom. We both mean it when we say that your death was the saddest day of our lives. Never before and never after have we felt days so devoid of sunshine. We miss you. We miss you so much.

I hope you get to read this journal (somehow!).

We love you and are trying to be good so we can be together again.

With all my love,

Poppa

4 Sept 2018

Dear Sweet Lucy,

We've been talking about you lately. It's almost your special day and the girls and I noticed that your special day is sandwiched right between Emiko's and Rosie's birthdays. They thought that was really special.

The other day I was changing baby Mai Li's diaper in the bassinet. I felt someone bump into me and I turned around immediately to see who it was because I thought all of the other kids were playing outside. There was no one there who I could see, but I was sure I had felt someone touch my right back side just above my hip. I wondered if that was you. I wondered if, just like the girls always say, if maybe you needed some Momma time. Do you feel that same pull that each of your siblings have to be close to me, to spend time with me, to have my undivided attention. I wish I could give that to you. I hope you don't feel forgotten and neglected. It is hard to remember what is not before our eyes. Your siblings demand my attention constantly, but we only have little reminders of you now and then. Like when we see your special day on the calendar (Sept 9th), or when we pull out the FHE blanket which is your blanket, or when the girls talk about you or ask about you.

Oh, how I miss you.

Oh, how I love you, my little Lucy.

-Momma

13 March 2018 Just missing you

Dear Lucy Girl,

Today we were in the car going to ride bikes at the church house. We put a car seat in for Baby Mai Li. Emiko got so excited. She said, If Lucy were still here, we would have the whole car full!

I miss you, sweet friend. I will try my very hardest to be better so we can be together.

With all my love,

Poppa

4 March 2018

Dearest Lucy,

I was listening to a beautiful performance by Evie Clair of a song titled, "To Where You Are" by Josh Groban. Part way through I thought of you. I thought about how much I wish I could see your beautiful smile. To hold you in my arms. To tell you how much I miss you. I couldn't hold back the tears as I listened to this beautiful music and thought of you, my little angel baby. The day I lost was the saddest day of my life. I hope I will always remember and always be true to my covenants and promises so that we can be connected to you for eternity. I love you my dear sweet Lucy.

Who can say for certain
Maybe you're still here
I feel you all around me
Your memories so clear
Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You're still an inspiration
Can it be

That you are my
Forever love
And you are watching over me
From up above.

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for a while
To know you're there
A breath away's not far to where you are.

Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream?
And isn't faith believing
All power can't be seen

As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me
Everyday

Cause you are my
Forever love
Watching me
From up above

And I believe
That angels breathe
and that love will live on
And never leave

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for a while
To know you're there
A breath away's not far to where you are.
I know you're there
A breath away's not far to where you are

27 July 2017 Just thinking about you and missing you

Dear Lucy Girl,

I just wanted to say hi. I've been missing you.

Yesterday I was in the bottom of a hole I had dug. Literally. I was in a hole I'd dug. Funny right? And I was listening to a podcast and something the person said reminded me of you. I broke down right there in the pit. I braced my arms against the dirt and dropped my head to sob. No one heard me down where I was. But I hope that you know somehow that I was thinking of you and missing you and never ever forgetting you.

I think about how you would be loving little Davie and helping us get ready for New Baby (we hope). We were telling the girls yesterday that Bethy is pregnant and that sometimes the baby doesn't get big enough. I thought of you again and wished so much that things had been different.

I talked about you again tonight. I was driving to Wray for a tutoring appointment and thought of a family who lived in Eckley. The Turvey's lost their daughter, Allison, last March in a car accident. As I spoke with Joni Turvey, the mom, I related to her that part of my special concern for her family was my empathy as someone who also lost a daughter. I think of you that way, Lucy. Not as a miscarriage, but as my daughter who died in childbirth. I hope I'm not wrong to think that or say that.

Wherever you are, I hope you know that I think about you often and that I miss you and long for the time when we can be together. I love you. And I hope you are patient with me and my many faults. I will try harder to be a good guy.

With love,

Your Poppa

30 Jan 2017

Dearest Lucy,

I had a very bizarre dream last night. It involved strange things like million step staircases, something related to Donald Trump, Downtown Abby (Daisy was serving me pizza and reminded me of my Lucy, at which time I began to bawl and bawl in my dream.) I woke up from my dream and thought I heard Emiko's voice saying, "Momma. Momma. Momma." It was clear but spoken in a whisper. I looked around trying to find her and asked her where she was. But then I heard David crying in his room. So I got out of bed to take care of him. Both Emiko and Rosie were sound asleep in their beds. While I nursed David back to sleep, I couldn't help wonder if that clear, audible voice I heard was yours. Did you wake me up so I could take care of little David? I was VERY tired last night. Where you watching out for him? I pray every night that angels will watch over my little ones while they sleep. Are you one of those angels, watching over your sisters and brother as they sleep each night? I said a prayer to Heavenly Father asking Him to let you know how much I love you. I hope you got the message, my sweet one. Even if it was only in a dream, it was a real treasure to hear your little voice and to hear you call me Momma.

I love you and miss you dearly.